A Speech!

I wrote this "speech" for part of my Rhetoric exam. Now, it was written to be spoken, so it may seem a bit formal, but...well. It was fun to write. :) 

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Proposition: Chimpanzees are more practical pets than dogs are.

Thank you for having me here today. Hello, I am Seth Grant, and I’m here to tell you that monkeys are more practical pets than dogs. I’m not one to mince words—I’ve never even had a mince pie—so let’s jump in.

            Of course, before we can say that chimpanzees are more practical pets than dogs, we must first define what a practical pet is. A practical pet is 1) an effective servant, 2) can perform tasks and chores that would otherwise take up too much of your time, and 3) is a minimal-hassle animal. Before we go any further, however, let me clarify that yes, all these criteria for practical pets do necessitate a certain amount of training. This will be addressed later on.

            What do I mean by “effective servant”? Well, I mean that the animal can be your go-fer. Not the animal gopher, but a go-for, office slang for someone who can get things for you, such as the TV remote, coffee, a bagel, or a towel.

            Secondly, a practical pet can perform tasks and chores that would otherwise take up too much of your time. In our busy, hustle-bustle world, time is money. The more time you have, the more money you can make. So if your practical pet can perform those mundane tasks like doing the laundry, drawing the bath, and tucking the children in for bed.

            Finally, a practical pet is minimal-hassle. The less you have to spend (both time and money) on it, the less you have to nanny it, the less you have to clean up after it, the better. Like I said before, time is precious. And in the words of a current internet icon, “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!”

With these criteria in place, we can now judge which pet is more practical, the chimp or the dog. Let’s start with the dog, whom I shall name Fido. Fido is a decently effective servant. He can bring you the TV remote when you’re crashed on the couch and just want to veg on the cough. He can bring you the newspaper on those cold mornings when you forgot your slippers and there was a particularly heavy dew the night before. And he can bring you a towel when you got into the shower without checking the towel rack.

Fido, however, cannot bring you your coffee in the mornings, much less brew it for you. But let’s set brewing aside for the moment and focus on the bringing. Fido uses his mouth in the place of hands, so when he grabs your coffee, you had better hope that your coffee lid was screwed on tightly, or else you’ll have to spend 30 minutes cleaning up nasty brown coffee stains. In addition, while Fido can bring you a bagel, most people would rather not eat soggy bagel. If Fido can resist the urge to eat the food that is in his mouth, not only his he a very well-trained dog, but the bagel will also be quite drenched in drool. I’ll leave it at that.

Can Fido perform chores for you? The simple answer is no. Once again, the lack of hands comes into play here. He may, perhaps, draw the bath for you, if you have installed long, doggy-friendly handles in your bathtub. And dogs are well-known for their ability to comfort children at night. But, sadly, our friend Fido cannot do other things, such as the laundry. He can bring the dirty clothes into the laundry room, but he cannot load the soap into the washer or start either the washer or dryer.

Now on to the third criteria: minimal hassle. The average puppy isn’t terribly expensive, depending on what breed you get, and you can get some for (comparatively) cheap from those corner stop salesmen who carry the puppies in the back of their trucks. And you can always check the classifieds for “puppies for sale.” However, puppies do take a great deal of training to perform the more complex tasks, such as getting your towel or drawing the bath, and you will have to pick up after them for the rest of their lives, even after they’ve been potty-trained. In addition, dogs are inbred with a desire to chew things when they get bored, so they must be constantly monitored or very well trained to avoid the owner’s coming home to find toilet paper strewn about the house.

Now that Fido has been analyzed, let’s move on to the chimpanzee, whom I shall name Zeke. Thanks to his opposable thumbs, Zeke can not only bring you the TV remote, newspaper, and towel, but also your coffee and that essential bagel. And, as an added bonus, he can brew your coffee for you so you don’t have to waste time brewing it.

Secondly, Zeke can draw the bath for you, tuck in your children, and do the laundry with ease. Opposable thumbs really are a huge plus. And, in addition to washing and drying your clothes, Zeke can even fold your laundry, iron it, and set it out for you the night before. 

But here’s the kicker: is Zeke minimal hassle? At first glance, the answer would seem to be no. While it is true that it is much harder and slightly more expensive to acquire a chimpanzee than it would be a dog, Zeke makes up for it in other areas. For instance, with his superior intelligence, Zeke can be trained much more easily to do the things mentioned above. He can be trained to use an actual toilet. And, while he, too, can be prone to tearing up things when left alone, Zeke can also be trained to use his boredom as a time to begin a more productive activity, such as the laundry. He doesn’t have to be let out every hour or so to use the bathroom.

While Fido is a very decent option for a practical pet, Zeke outdoes him in every area. Where Fido can be a go-fer for some things, Zeke can go-fer anything. With the benefit of his opposable thumbs, Zeke can perform chores that Fido can only do in his dreams. And Zeke can be trained much more easily than Fido can. Therefore, chimpanzees are more practical pets than dogs are.